When I grow up.

Today I am going to try to avoid dedicating the entire post to my children. They might pop up. Can't help it.

When I grow up, I want to go back to school. Settling somewhere will help. Paying down some student loans will help, too. So I guess Eric needs a raise.

But getting on to my point.

I loved my experience in the BYU public relations program. I thrived on the success I found. I loved hearing my professors praise my writing. I got to serve on a national committee and meet amazing people.

But when I really think back to that time, I feel my stomach tighten in knots. It was stressful. I hated deadlines. I had emotional breakdowns when I got home to my husband at night.

So when I think about my future, I know that I learned a lot of good things from that time, but I don't want to follow that path any further. I also like my job as a health coach, but I really want to return to a college campus and enlarge my sphere of knowledge. Here are some thoughts I have had:

Certified nurse midwife: I would love to help empower women in their birthing experiences. I feel like many doctors treat the mother as a backseat driver in the delivery process....which is dumb. They're kind of front and center and should be in control. I've thought about being a doula, too, but midwifery appeals more. Pros: I would love helping women have meaningful experiences. Cons: Eric was quick to remind me that people die in childbirth. And babies die. Thanks for the encouragement, hun. But he's right. So there's that. Also, nursing school requires a lot of memorization, which I am not so fond of. But I could do it if I really wanted it. OChem.

Licensed therapist: My own experience with my therapist in Richmond was so fulfilling and amazing. One thing that made him such an amazing therapist is that he himself had dealt with similar mental illness. Pros: Again, helping people. Cons: I'm textbook second child and very emotional. I feel others' pain very acutely. I might bring my work home with me too much. I don't know. Something to talk with therapists about, see how they deal with it.

Accountant: I actually LOVED my accounting class at BYU. It was the first time in my life something with numbers made sense to me. It's also a very useful skill set and could help me manage our funds more wisely long term. Pros: lifelong skill set that would come in handy. Cons: Math classes. And pocket protectors.

And on and on. I could add a few more things to this list but then you'd know how absolutely indecisive I am. Although most of you probably already know that if you know me at all.

Sometimes I feel like I never grew up and now I'm at some mid-twenties crisis wanting to figure out what I want to do. I love being a mother, but I also love learning, and I do that best in a classroom setting. I love sitting on the front row and asking questions and answering questions and meeting with my professors to improve my skills. So maybe I don't want any of these careers. Maybe I just want to be a perpetual student. There's nothing wrong with lifelong learning, but when I want it in a classroom it has its price. My time, money, and focus belong to my family, too, not just me.

But don't worry, I don't have the time, money, or focus to do anything at this point. So I'll keep dreaming. I'll let you know if I ever make a decision.